How Useful is Your Selfish? (Plus a bowl of chips)
We’ve all been there. Our partners call us selfish (directly or subtly). We’re fuming because our partner did something selfish. Our children are so selfish.
Everyone’s selfish.
There’s all sorts of guilt that comes with being labelled “selfish”, which is why we spend so much time and energy trying not to be.
But here’s the great news… we ARE selfish. All of us.
Read on.
Anthony de Mello, in his book Awareness, offers a perspective on selfishness that’s surprisingly relevant for fathers. He describes three kinds of selfishness, and while they might seem abstract at first, they hit home when we reflect on how we care for ourselves—and, by extension, our families.
Let’s explore this using the analogy of a snack you and your partner love—maybe a bowl of chips, unless another favorite comes to mind.
The First Kind of Selfish
Picture sitting down after a long day and reaching for the snack, eating without a second thought about whether your partner might want some. It’s the obvious kind of selfishness. It’s raw “me first” thinking, acting purely out of self-interest without regard for others.
The Second Kind of Selfish
Now, imagine offering the snack to your partner but secretly hoping they notice your sacrifice: “Look at me, putting you first.” It seems selfless on the surface but carries an unspoken desire for recognition. It’s not generosity for its own sake; it’s still about us, just wrapped in a different package.
The Third Kind of Selfish
Here’s the third version. You offer your partner the last chip because you want to avoid the guilt of being seen as selfish.
Put another way, you do something “selfless” to avoid being seen as selfish. Which is selfish!
What This Has to Do with Fatherhood
Fatherhood can feel like an endless exercise in selflessness—sacrificing sleep, hobbies, and even basic care for ourselves in the name of being a good dad. But if we neglect our own health—whether physical, mental, or emotional—we’re actually being selfish in a different way.
Skipping exercise, never taking a moment to recharge, or pushing through exhaustion might seem noble. But over time, neglecting ourselves doesn’t just harm us; it becomes a burden for our families. Poor health or burnout means less energy for parenting, more strain on our partners, and eventually, a heavier load for everyone.
It all comes down to Usefulness
What’s striking about de Mello’s idea is its simplicity: there’s no escaping selfishness. (Personally, I breathed a sigh of relief when I found out).
Every action we take—whether for ourselves or others—has selfishness baked into it. The only real question is: Which kind of selfish is most useful?
The first kind is rarely useful in the long term. The second, while kinder in appearance, can lead to resentment or burnout if we don’t receive the validation we crave. But the third kind—selfishness that’s mindful and balanced—is deeply useful. It helps us sustain ourselves while strengthening our ability to care for those we love.
By embracing the third kind of selfishness, we move past the need to deny our selfish nature. This doesn’t mean spending every night at the pub or disappearing into hobbies for hours on end. It’s about making time for what keeps us strong and grounded.
Instead, we channel it into actions that nourish us and those around us. Taking care of our health, making time for exercise, or stepping away to recharge aren’t indulgences. They’re investments in becoming more present, more capable, and ultimately more useful as fathers and partners.
A More Mature Selfishness
Establishing a mature relationship with our selfishness isn’t about avoiding it but owning it. When we ask, “What’s the most useful selfishness here?” the answer often points us toward balance. Taking care of ourselves isn’t just for us—it’s for the people we love, too.
Anthony de Mello’s Awareness is a thought-provoking guide for reflecting on these dynamics. Explore it here.